"SEX ON COCAINE"

COCAINE

I've been smoking cannabis since 2 months, it was more than fun. I never reacted after I was ever high; people around me use this as an alibi to act stupid. I don't understand why it gives me pleasure, it has all signs of sudden death if anything crosses the line by a tiny ounce, it increases my blood pressure, I feel that too much blood is running through my veins, my emotions become still I can hardly express what I want to, I can neither cry or laugh just give a silent chuckle to myself. My head spins and I feel that I am falling into an unknown abyss which has no end, even if I want to I cannot move, muscles as if get rusted as if never used since centuries, I generally lie down instead of sitting in some dark corner. I like most of the things in bed. It’s a tough job, one has to remove tobacco from cigarette and gently make powder of cannabis leaves and mix it with appropriate amount of tobacco and than when it is properly mixed, and it has to be filled back in empty cigarette. Then there are different ways in which it is smoked, I use basically the one I learn on the internet. I take a puff and inhale the smoke completely and wait for 3 seconds on count, and exhale the smoke, it will be noticed that amount of smoke went inside is not the amount of smoke that came out, because maximum smoke remains inside the pleasure will be beyond words. I use this technique until the cigarette is completely smoked off; the fatal reaction takes almost 2 and a half or 3 minutes to enter almost every blood cell. Every artery every vein every cell every molecule and every atom of my body dances in intoxication, whole mechanism falls for the magic, they experience this euphoria in extreme, emotions become mixed, it is difficult to relate things and thoughts, I once forgot how to wear a shirt.

I was so used to it that I was increasing my quantity day by day, if I was smoking 3 leaves the next day I would smoke 4, I was terrified and happy at the same time. I once had a near to death experience when everything became blank and my heart stopped beating, my senses just vanished and I felt like any non-living object, helpless and not completely understanding what was happening to me, but one thing was certain,” I knew that I was dieing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it." That particular day I had smoked 4 leaves once and 4 leaves in another joint, it was too much for my body to handle, I was falling in the same abyss which was burning this time, hot as hell, I removed my clothes and lighted up a normal cigarette, and let me tell you that it was very difficult for me to gather my muscles and energy and drag myself to cigarette. Slowly and steadily I lost the hope of recovering and left my body loose, I wasn’t afraid anymore I was accepting the fact that it's time that I have to leave, I closed my eyes and felt a little jerk in my body and I don't remember what happened next.

Next morning I woke up at 6 am, everything was normal as ever, also I was feeling very fresh. I was certainly alive!!

In the morning I realized that my brain must have secreted more adrenaline from the glands and blood was rushing through veins and arteries at record breaking speed, it was giving my brain a sense of extreme pleasure and hallucination. I sweared never to smoke more than my capability, but as new year resolutions never come into action, it was the same case here.

Than I developed a feeling of inhaling "cocaine" because I was done with cannabis, so I gathered the information, the causes and effects of coke. 2 grams of cocaine can kill a person, with sudden death and brain will stop working all of the sudden, no medical emergency can do nothing in such case, cocaine has worst effects with wine and tobacco, sparkling wine just remains a fantasy in such matters, anyways 1 gram cocaine is just the right quantity for the feeling and rushes of body, it costed me 15,000 /- Rs. but it was worth it. I went home and waited for evening just as a lover waits for his lover, I didn’t want to risk it in daytime, anybody could drop at my place and I wouldn’t be in a situation to even speak. The whole day I smoked and fantasized and watched movies and enjoyed music.

It was 11 Pm finally.

I wore satin shorts and a t-shirt; I locked my door and pleasantly settled in my room and began the legacy. I made tracks of 1 gram cocaine that I had, I had sleek pipe, shorter than straw but of same circumpherence, I inhaled coke for the first time and it hit the edge bone of my nose so badly that I stopped breathing for 2 seconds, as if somebody brutally pricked the needle in my nose not even realizing the presence of bone. I took another shot and another and another. It went directly to my brain, it takes the best shortcut available, and definitely it’s better than cannabis. I wasn’t just doing it for pleasure, it wasn’t a good alibi. What is beyond pleasure I wondered!! If it was only and only pleasure than I think cannabis would have been good just the doze would have been increased, but with cocaine it is different, the quality of pleasure increases, it makes you fly and most importantly it gives you tender orgasm which is priceless.

I felt sexy, even when I was at the heights of 11,200 meters above sea level. And then what I never wanted to, happened, somebody was knocking on my door. My body quickly gathered itself and settles on earth after a pleasurable flight. I tried to keep myself stable and in senses, and went towards the door, "Hello mizzy" she said gently. She hadn’t visited me since weeks, what is she doing here at 15 past midnight. She entered without permission, [as if it mattered, but my mind was noticing even minute details]. "Are you alright Ashu, why are you outside this late", she glanced at me and as if knew what situation I was in, but,"I was on date, after dinner he wanted to take me to hotel, I judged his mind and asked him to drop me home on account of some fake emergency, after he dropped me home, I didn’t even wanted to be home, so I came here .. I hope you don't mind me, staying here for tonight”.. Before I could answer she went inside threw her sandals away and slowly started undressing and went inside the shower.

I stood at the door almost gazing into nothing, with blood pressure at bidding speed, cells partying, and beginning to fly at the blinding heights.

I liked her guts, but was I in any situation to even think these things, suddenly.. I fell in a dark corner and collapsed.

When I opened my eyes, I was I bed, and her wet locks were all over my face, and damn my fucking mind, I knew she wore Dunhill, I could smell it right away. But I could not speak, I had no energy, I could just lay and watch her like this.
She told me to be awake; she said if I sleep on high cocaine I can have sudden death in sleep. HEY!! she knew I was on cocaine, ohh of course I was in my room, when she picked me and dragged me in my room she must have seen on the corner, the pipe and particles of coke on glass table. She was in towel, but when she came inside again she was wearing one of my t - shirt and I think that's it. I lay in bed without any words in my mouth, even if I tried to speak I was speaking in vowels, and she didn’t even notice them. She beautified herself sitting across the mirror and she was on my right and as if dead I was watching without moving a muscle without making a sound and most importantly without any complaints. While she sat with just a t-shirt on, her legs exposed also her thongs. I saw the clock on the wall bluntly and noticed that it was 1 am already, I watched her with immense pleasure, I realized there is no pleasure greater than watching a young and sexy goddess across you, you see her reflection in mirror, breath-taking, when slowly and steadily you glance her completely you will notice her legs and thongs, and sometimes an exposed back. She turned towards me with comb in her hand, her wet legs were making me go weak in my spirit, she gently came over me and lay beside me and asked, "Do you have more coke", because I couldn’t speak I made a gesture towards the table, "Nothing's on the table you fucked up the whole thing, I am asking if you have more" I again made the same gesture but this time just a little low bent, she saw 2 tracks of coke left and she as if jumped over it and without even a second thought sniffed both tracks and threw herself in bed.

I could feel her breaths too, her breaths were short yet energetic, her body was warm, [even though I didn’t touch her yet, I could feel it] .. Her eyes were red but became lusty almost in 5 seconds, she dragged herself towards me and said softly near my ear, "sex on cocaine, darling, just once." then she began kissing my neck and I knew that I was drowning myself. The flame dipped itself in the pond of lust, strategically placing itself at the bottom, my suffocation began to please me, and left the mask of cruelty on me, than I began to move and as if I never lacked energy, adrenaline ran through my cells like electricity.

There was sweet sensations within me, I was enjoying myself, I got up to kiss her and printed a deep and wild kiss on her lips and slowly she was completely in my arms, we smooched heavily and were too out of control, I slowly removed her t-shirt and kissed her breasts with firm pleasure, I threw her at the bed and she bounced back, I slapped her on the cheek and than kissed her cheek, I rolled her hair in my hands and kissed her neck and slowly moved my lips towards her breasts, she tried taking off my t-shirt but was unable to, so she used her sharp nails and tore it off. We became wild beyond borders and drilled passion in every act of ours, we spanked, we bit, we tore off each other & cut ourselves with swords of passion, we intoxicated our souls, flame which placed itself at the bottom of the pond, went off finally and there were 2 of us holding our breaths and taking an ounce of space, we both lost the go and united ourselves in one orgasmic pleasure, we made love till we could and finally collapsed on each other.

[Believe me .. there's nothing more adventurous and amazing than having sex on cocaine]

It was a language that we were speaking,

After sex its normal to feel like smoking and I wasn’t any different, just after half an hour it urged me much and I crawled towards the cigarette and fell down from bed, still I managed to light it and smoke it lung fully and peacefully,

I stood up on my weak legs, unstable at first, but managed to balance myself, I stood naked in front of the mirror, I could see the cigarette smoke in front of my cruel face, then I chuckled nonchalantly, as if somebody whispered a joke in my ears, and remembered these lines of Rumi ... "IF YOU
GET RID OF YOURSELF JUST ONCE, THE SECRET OF SECRETS WOULD OPEN, TO YOU. THE FACE OF THE UNKNOWN, HIDDEN BEYOND THE UNIVERSE WOULD APPEAR ON THE MIRROR OF YOUR PERCEPTION."

A BIT OF PHILOSOPHY !!

Desire .. bcuz of red choice..( stop!!!! i must recommend u not to judge on surface too much , its a biggining yes but that color is deliberately choosen, her favorite color and her always choice is BLUE in different variety so this is one of ur prb i wanted u to face with it urself , dont let surfaces mislead u maybe that is a deliberately decision as people tend to be the one they are not necesserily so as a writer u must be more keen minded to consider this point too dear , but from another point of view its true according to whatever u have felt and its good that u have payed this much attention and trusty t ur interpretation of surface just consider the first one i said too)

Humble.. god damn it .. its a rare vision im pleased to be a spectator to this pic.. the vastness of eyes is almost sinkable. desires drilled in them (. what kind of desire?? as a writer u must excavate it more than just one word to 1- quench the thirst of ur readers that have read this fascinating word and 2- be4 this to fulfill and flourish the bravery of urs of observing and analyzing with the power of a writer mind. ok?so dont suffocate this hidden question mark with passing it hurrily so soon. ok? paying more consideration just will complete ur domination) the stillness prooves as if some bird who has no time from its daily flights is kind of alone today and that's y roosting on this wall. .. ( its ur interpretation and true) sitting and gazing into zero.( exactly but this zero is within her and she is gazing at something endless as i know her) with hope to find nothing just happy to be a part of what it is seeing( yes but she has never been happy bcz of that , dont let smile mislead ur direction of analyzing deeply so soon , this prb is in ur total vision dear u can bee deeper in that but some surface temptation many times change ur real direction in real life may couse nothing that serious but in writing yes , it will cause something serious, the rsult will have some prb and u cant do anything for it bcz has attached it from somewhere so hidden with its roots in ur mind and ur vision , so corrct it urself by considering it,ok?) .

In some corner she's got something hidden which is revealed only when she looks in the mirror tht bcuz she does't want anyone else to be a party or witness to tht part of her. she dreams of dramatically bringing this fantasy out but half the way she feels uncomfortable and thus steps back..( yes correct but as i know her she doesnt step back as she believe in facing with reality whatever it is) goes to the mirror and is happy again to see what she has to see( she is not happy about it at all)

Her eyes = compelling. she has the capability to blind the emotions
(.true she has a great self domination over herself and manytimes others too) if she wears a shawl over her head lik hejab or hud .. she wud have altogather diff persona..

Forehead = thinking machine ( damn u with ur exact word!!!yes thinking machine ...) will be in less demand.. her eyes will be spotted first. So these eyes bcum imp in a way. ( dont repeat it alot not this way , ur readers wont like it 1- repeating one aspect in ur own mind is good but 2- readers want it to be differenntly interpreted bcz they need to enter ur game with it they need the challenge from ur side injected to their minds so , do u know what i mn?? sure u do) as if she's secretly staring at someone.(here the magic power of writing creatively has sparkled but some one with hurry or...??!!! attempt to suffocate it).

She's demanding in her own way, she knows what passion is but she wont mind having a tea spoon filled with passion. she has her own way of explaining things.. sexy i must say. eyes are secrectly asking one question and also smiling herself at the question asked…

Lean eyebrows reveal she prefers to stay in shape physically. aah!! u can imagine wen a thinking machine meets .. a questioning machine... and lips revealing love. c'mon she's a gem i must say, she will never have to beg this life for happiness .. she'll have it always but also along with other choice .. i hope she's picses if she's not i wont feel guilty it happens. (gooooooooooood here i see the over flowning of writing ability , the trend has started here, and must be supported from here onward, so that u can bring a good creation out of it. )
this was what i wanted to say u....

Do u remember that i ttold u : ur stories have prb??? the prb was with personalities not with concept , concept is just depend or UR OWN PERCIEVED SELF that no one can catch it 4 u except urself, .....but personality must not be hidden in the shaddow of concept importance ...both are separate entities need to especial care and consideration to be perfect then can accompany with each other. i hope this way works bcz u are not among those ppl to accept something without experiencing it directly . so i used this way to tell u just it.
for creating ur pesonality u need to be its GOD , that will be all IN UR HANDS , according to outer appearence u make 4 it or it has by itself u must start diving (( like ur second paragraph )). u hand on surface alot as if something make u avoid diving!!! lack of experience or some addiction to previous common frame??? never afraid of breaking frame nor experiencing new new new and always new, never let habbits in this capture u. to be honest if u hadnt this power potentially i wouldnt say all these, so just apply it to see how it will serve u.
dear listen to this one..

I've talked about diving be4 and i m sure u now have this ability as ur description reveals, diving and excavatinf personalities , realities and facts according to what has offered from their side is just one part..
the other one is FLYING.
do u remember i said everyone is somehow a king? the owner of a land!! yes never forget it , diving is the ticket for entering this land but after entering their lad so what do u wanno do??? visit everywhere by walk??? its what u must to do in ur own land , for others land u need to fly but the qustion is how???
look everyone has some point highlighted in comparison with her/his other point, these point make her/his real personality, bcz they are highlghted and that person will be defined with these.so soooooooooooooo if u just look from above u soon will see them as they are highlighted , after seing them and knowing them, with trust to ur knowing, u CAN takle that person , not negatively but will understand how to be dominant on that , as a writer NEED to be so with his characters in his stories to make them do wht they are supposed to , but nver forget this simple important point , ...( NEVER PUT UR SHEER DOMINATION WITHIN URSELF ON THEM. OK? THAT WILL KILL THE SOUL THEY MUST HAVE) Its not that hard just the matter of having that domination on ur knowing and the trend of creating but doesnt mean lack of care about their independencies. could i say wht i wanted to ??? i hope so.
one more thing., for god sake consider it and take it otherwise i will die disappointedly....

Although each pesons has some points highlighted in his territory and that shape her/his personality , THERE ARE MUCH MORE THINGS that , the person her/himself hasnt consider it nor let it be flourished, bcz of environment , life , childhood , background , historical condition even climate many many other things , but but but those ALL EXIST. like what?? like whatever , these are like facilites that a human need to be perfect or to have his own way satisfactoril;y...this is what khalil used to create a prophet out of himself , and based upon this commom properties u can create too bcz all these really indeed exist....based upon this u can know how to inject ur idea u wanno convey to others , based upon this u can change those standards of humanity u wanno change , as khalil did or others. based upon this u can awaken hidden values u want to be highlighted even FOR A SECOND , and based upon this.....u tell me after experiencing it more and more or it will tel it to u by itself just after ur first approach to it. thats inner world, urs and others, what is called GLOBAL SUBCONSCIOUSNESS, and all the humanity HAVE IT.
congratulation dear ,

3 years ago i was among the ruins of myself after experiencing death , i knew and know what caused that , but didnt find the "y" maybe i did but couldnt accept it and it was too hard to digest it and find a way to do with my alive body!!!!,
i had created my own land perfectly and has never let anyone enter it , i am still so , bcz others dont deserve and that has been my private, but suddenly i felt a volume in my private , it was too easy to remove it but there was something in his hand under title of "HELP" that i couldnt and still cant ignore. u wanted to upgrade humanities standards and change many things yet were in the border of experiencing "PAIN". and also wouldnt accept anything except in a condition of experiencing that directly, so from the biggining with ur own word, a representation of ur style of knowing , a started a GAME , i let u know my inner world without having any image of me, wanted to offer diving , and nowthat u have it i hope u experience flying too. my inner maybe is exactly u have in ur mind but the time u must match it with my face maybe clear all obscurities. could i do it ???? thats what u must say...... .it took 3 years for me to tell u what i wanted to , yes so hard communicative i am , thats bcz i dont believe in all habitual communication, if its supposed to be a true one with especial purpose it is different.

So i do apologize about all of harsh n impolite behaviour ive had up to now , dont mind them, and i hope ur curiousity be finished about me myself and all i am with my explaination about what i am.

Really melancholic in nature bcz of pain pain and pain, it has attached me and live with me and never try to be hidden 4 me, i taste it each time i face with everything and everyone and that thinking machine start its activity , do whatever and after some moments i find myself among all pains of that person , those things she/he may never know them , like all hiddenly killed capabilities, emotions, feelings , passions, and all has been ignored , then turn my head soon and a load voice will repeat : " shut up"!!!

Yes philanthropic bcz of love, i dont have the ability to fall in love with one person, bcz i love everyone and everything. how can u be except it when u knw their territrory and their existance??? yes stupidly maybe but i am !! that sentence of “kahlil Gibran” is carved in my mind...”who is real criminal?” the one do it actually in the world or the one do it daily in his mind??? this tought me to see backgrouds too , to put myself in the same condition to understand , to forget about strict judgement, too see one thing/person from as much angles as possible up , down , right , left ABOVE and WITHIN.

And the third is an endless road in front of me , many many times i feel this move, i am a passenger , never have a still point and alwys moving , i cant stop it even if iu want bcz some independed entity like pain and love , this one is seeking something , maybe find it finally or not, never maybe , atleast i can say i have looked 4 it, my desire to catch that is endless and will never step back !bcz of this nothing can make me happy or sad too much bcz nothing is satisfactory nor stable 4 me.
this was my triangle dear.

About my dreams.......i always have 2 kind of dreams in my nights..one is, sinking in the middle of sea, lay there in the surface and let it swolloped me wholly and perfectly but but but , its nightmare is.... reaching to the coast safe and sound!!!

bcz something is iin me , insist in looking at it , ( the third angle i mn) the one looking for something, wont let me leave freely, will bring me back , reject me, thats y i wasnt finished after my death!!! my second night dream is “flying , freely , its enjoyable” but but but.............again that , force me come back in my mould i fel its pressure like has attached me a rope to fasten me to that to reach to....., and do it strongly and strictly and has been successful up to now , i wont run away but will finish this half job once for ever , even at the cost of whole my life.
and , im eager to see myself , the one has shaped withing me according to whatever ihave done ,and i knw just at the end of my road will face her. no one could ever know these by just facing me as i wear mask!! bcz i dont like other know it, bcz i dont believe in SHARING , i believe in sheer ANNIHILATION!!! i wanno reach at NOTHING , just that nothing , ppl wanno reach at everything , at the moment the have EVERYTHING they feel they have nothing yet!! so i want this lovely nothing as this HAS what im looking for hidden in it and thats freedom ..of what??? no word 4 this u must be ME to know of what!

And this mask has one more reason , everyone think im depressed as a disease, guess what!!! i accept that and tried phsychologist , he said i will cure u for 9 month , i promise. using all pills and then he said i need 6 month more , i accompanied ,”Commitment of events, this was even argued by SATAN himself” his judgement base was a diagram according to a questionare i filled and it was still the same as its first day, it mns no progress!!!!then he said u need a psychoanalist i did i 4 half a year , gues what??he said :" u are perfectly right and just follow ur way"!!! DAMN.no way to get rid of that .i dont want it too. have doing the same.

No one can get it but pp approach is different too me , 1 group believe im lovely! the know the mask just it ,2- some ppl want to have me for their own , they know mask and beyond it , my inner , but dont have the bravery or motivation to come with me , to run and breath with me , they are still , what i really hate.and 3rd group is the one will hate me...!y??? bcz they choose me to be with me to feel better , but they never ever think of what will happen ,! i challenge their mind , i challenge their every belief , and i ruin their golden palace which has made up PAPER! they will stay among ashes , damning me and asure me that wont accompany with me , yes , i am that SCRATCH in minds that is tried to be forgotten but that exist. not sorry 4 that bcz they equally scratch my soal with their stupidness too , will feed my pain, and i see their boundage....yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy they have forgotten that it wasnt supposed to be so?? so i just each time leave them to build their golden palace with those maghic paper wich are concrete in their eyes.
so its what i am, dont think to omit anything , do i?

Innocent ???( just babies are innocent , we shape each other with both black and white both goodness and badness , right and wrong...bcz they define each other and the value of each ones existance is bcz of the other one , so innocent???? na dont ever think so) but powerful eyes. enegmatic.
definately they hav capabilities.

SHE TRIKES WHEN IRON IS HOT.. IT ALMOST DISSOLVED ME.

u said a decision must be taken , i did it , dont count on me , stand on ur own feet to c what u want, that wont be worthy if anyone else execpt u provide it ,media doesnt needed.

let me tell u what i thin about u , u r a challenging person that titeles attract u more than its reality although ur tongue says another thing bcz u want to convince urself by that ,i expect now ur answer to be:" no ! not at all, im quiet different now!!!" i hope so !

dont wanno hear any thing about coexistance at all , its another title, my world is 3 dimentional urs is imaginary and 2 dimentional , thats what u have chosen as i did about mine .i m looking at another thing.

only things i can say to u :

1- wanno be a writer , first must be a human , everybody IS but not actually so find urself know him through experience

2- u have patten , throw them all as a pattern , u can never be polato , khalil or anyone else like them or atleast at their rank , as long as they have been situated up ward, thats what i hate

3- criticism and analysis

4- vision

5- diving in everything , maybe u know swiming but diving is another thing

6- sphere must be , mean changing angles

i still think u r deaf and facinated in complexity bcz u prefer it and all the other things u say is just a title!!!

so dont wanno spend time with u at all.

yes u can deny all but doesnt matter for me im what i am and think so , u are what u are and say whatever u like!

being a writer , !!!:

poesis.. means all the actions caused to making, creating gathering and forming totally but about art its quiet different ( i suppose writing in supreme meaning or real one is a kind of art but not really 3 dimentional , imaginary depict its 3dimentionality) so a real artist whatever under title of writer , poet , painter speaker musician etc is or must be just a human , a real kind , what is a real kind? the one act considerably, consciously , who have the ability to analyse and critisim in its real meaning , and that is to be a nutral judde or a fly !! that can move all around the subject nutrally , if u believe someones ideas forget aboutr it !!

others ideas first of all are not for accepting and enjoying them , but they are medias for comparing and searching to find ur stand and then after stablishing urs stable u can read them and if any part COULD MATCH WITH URS ( suppose to find urs firmly , whatever u are yelling emotionally with a faith are not in this domain be4what i mentioned , otherwise u r fooling urself and ur inner part is vibrating and doubtful, so forget about expressing all those u havent aquired totally )

about poesis ...everyone in any position in any society have it and apply it of course whoever does whatever has an aim for , that is supposed to reach at it but these are regularity although the result maybe something beautifulbcz offer something under special rules and the result will be placerd under title of beauty so beauty of that will be owed ti rythm , harmony but but this is not real poesis bcz creation is lost somewhere, real poesis = real art for u art of writing , its basis is in running f

way of habits as regularity, and accessing to the pleasure of unfamiliarity

here u must write to know ur imagination and understanding , if u ignore it there wont be any continuing , not anyother word.

will talk about this more later and gradually , so from that point of view i mentioned above , lets join it with one of ur weak point in ur stories.

personalities ! making a personality or an even unfamiliar ( mean to be understandable and somehow acceptablke or digestable not making something strange impossible to communicate with ) in its first step mean taking away its routine and obvious aspect of it and provoke curiousity and astonishment toward it and its acttivities , it doesnt mean something out of possibility , but it means provide a field for those kind of impossibility as much as make it possible , so CREATING a presonality not making!!! plays vital role here

this means first of all u must know that personality very well as much as ur personality ( so here self knowledge is the thing u need merely so try to know urself well be4 this )

the question is : how to know urself and how to be sure u have done it properly wile each moment everything is going to be change and each moments everything going to pass another expiry date , thats a continuoes trent so , u must be a councious observer , i recommend first of all create ur own personality as it it , look at iut from different angles ant up and downward like a sphere, for finding different view angle and have some veriety in hand whoever know u can write about it , if they are frank enough , with this u will

learn actually how to fly around a subject and diving will be possible... what do i mean by diving??? 2 kind of considering is available , and both are needed . first lookint at something/someone in the way i mentioned , second be that subject or person itself , , mean believe being that totally without u as u are to know that as well as u. its diving and needed for knowing alot. bcz it will give u the kind of domination that based upon information , so as long as u are not doninant on that personality u cant offer it nor putting burden of any thought on it , iot means creating like what god is for his creatures,

with having this ju can justify readers about what that personality does , it means that u can make the possibility of an impossible in their mind , and exactly means u make them accept the possibility of CHANGE !! in regularity ( supposed that u must have reached to a supreme kind of vision toward things and be nutral nad fair toward anysubject u choose.

so readers wont be the one who accept habits a regularity , with accepting the possibility of having supreme thigs the dont dream it but will feel that have the ability to be dominant , to make , to take part in that worlkd u offer and is not just a mere reader , something will change withing the readers, its putting influence on them ( suppose u have reached to a firm belief with all ur cell to somethig ) here pen , paper and writing will act properly as media , so who ever use these media cant be writer! and writer is nothig except a human , not a human but a HUMAN!

so all kinds must be considered by diving and excavating . im tired now will talk about excavating later, just in a case that i have ur ideas to be aware of the way of ur understanding .

LIFE

"Retired Messiah"

a rehabilitation of "ilham's" recovery,

a journey through soul.

heart beam

Sky is too vast to wonder why? And too deep to sink. I can see those sparkling explosion with countless dots of fire, they seem to go high and wide as if would cover the sky, but how foolish they are !! They are delightful sparks of crackers. I admire them and effortlessly walk down in my study. I am trying to concentrate but cannot. There is something that holds me, a thought or a memory.But presently in my daily life there are things happening un-wantedly,so many things so less time and yet they say,"Life is to enjoy.....be as merry as you can". I slap my concentration and yell ......... "HOW"

.

Forget it........

When i sleep a chocolate flavoured nightmare appears infront of my eyes, a beautiful structure of a sweet girl, i know her,if i did't my SELF is't that caring who would give me an illususive pleasure full of life. Atleast.

It's dark, sounds can still be heard, above. Im in my study wondering about why i am suddenly so blessed by destiny.

Eyes closed and mind wide open i think about her, yes she's shirley.Who comes in my dreams, of course its a chronic desease,but then how blessed i am to have such a thing.I definately love her, but there's something that stops me to reveal, i shout out loud "I love you shirley" but only when im just the existence in vast solitude, or while i listen to 'lake of fire' i scream to satisfy that burden within me, as unable to reveal.

It's a problem, but what am i supposed to do to cure it.There's no possible solution out, and in addition i am too shy to even discuss this desease to my dear ones.

She's like an addiction which helps me breath, a tonic whick makes me going, a splash of water that makes me wake up when i'm too sleepy. She's a real genie?

These action-less thoughts are for selfish humour, a self indiction of love, a roller coaster on a barren land of pits.Will this help me achieve? Wonder wonder wonder....

Dreams, hallucinations, and visonary illusion is just a train accident. But what is true - this excuisite satisfying unreal dream or a real train accident-- but in roots both UNREAL.

Wow !! she has helped me breath, an inch more than existing ..she's tought me to live..but how foolish i am.....who does't even let her know her credits. Ere days of my life were ruined for the quest of knowing Live, until the day i read "We the living".

Life can be felt by living in gold but there are those who feel it in each breath, its just a feeling and without these breaths it would be nothing else except a new feeling......and it remains just a feeling till eternity.

In this boxing ring of thoughts tonight, on my table, while i thought these punching skills i felt something unusually strange, like the first ray of sun fell on me and filled me with radiance, while dreaming this i felt as if nothing save me existed around me, and suddenly with a jerk i saw that i am standing no-where [nothing above and below nothing around] it was all me and all me.And i felt as if.............

NO i cannot be enlightened thinking about love and shirley, presently i hear my own voice rhythming with the knocks on the door

.

knock knock knock...

Oh my god!! there is really somebody knocking on the door.

"Come in" i shouted.

"Where were you lost..damn-ed" ..... seemed a beautiful whisper of delightful attractive female voice....even though i knew it was a YELL.

..bringing words to a sentence i fumbled "Ah !! i was just too involved with my thoughts so could't hear you'r knocking"

"Well listen" she exclaimed "I need a book, that is the sole reason why i came here, will you help me?"

"Definately shirley" after all what are good peole for"of course HELP !! only damn help" after a gentle smile with a pause.

"keep this book "It's a collection of anonymous Poems..named 'Sifar'."

She looked indecsently into me as if knew what was in my mind then with self conclusion she murmurred something and moved to leave, her words were't audiblbe enough but i knew it was a song ..."hide" by creed.

I watched her go and saw life move away, as if a broken kite flyes no-where.It passes with no wish , no luck ,no destiny just moves and moves.

My love is not for vain, i am struggling to make a diamond out of a coal piece, no matter if it takes ages.

She left........and was out of the sight now.

i ordered myself, " Hault ! Love ! Hault! ... your making me insane "

waterloo of thoughts

Complete solitude, almost an isolation feeling, it's dark and silence at this stage seems noisy.It feels like as if i am born again, i feel energy within me unending talks within hovering inside seeking a hole to escape.Thousands of poems stuck somewhere.....why? It's been a week i am trying to hide from myself, enough of playing and mating in this chess game where i play the opponent along with me. Opponent is always the enemy in every game, but here victory is mine even if my enemy wins.

Some fossil that makes my fuel to live is leaving me to cry killing me with thirst. This moon which shines each day pretending being an alternate for sun, seems dull in this wide lonely night,breath as vapour blowing towards moon's vision infront me, seems more dull than before, what insights me to think about the unheard unknown unseen.

Life.............just another thing, a matter an object, sometimes why thought provoking ideas make me insane, they don't make one famous everytime. Nostalgic blurred visions remain forever even when you know that false satisfaction which one is blessed may help him never.

[I remember my friend's grand dad die infront of him, i was very much there, but then what... he will still think about how he's going to manage the money for gasoline in his motor bike the very next day.]

We fail....in every exam it's an average human who fails, now i realise how easily people convert, when pathos is given when most needed, the very best humans do fall into the trap, that's where conversion takes birth. Relation..now what do i say about this, religiously one needs to be away from special breeds of humans knowing that you's one of them.Going away being very much where you are is the way out.

[I'm not forced to give all answers]

Love; i don't know myself wheather i believe in this feeling, but if something helps there's no harm adopting and acting upon, shirley is just a mere caravan of thoughts where they lead to no-where, starve, help, try living, and slowly slowly they end, the remaining find something better than moving along the journey. starving and helping is love. Shirley is one of those journeymen, rather more philanthropist. Love love love... sounds beautiful cherishing nourishing splashing.

Remembring those cherry moments where sometime i believe she's in each breath of mine and sometimes i yell at myself that i've let someone become my deep core, knowing that she knows not even a fraction of this tempest which has risen whithin me.

A little ounce of nostalgia...and with a flash i am where i was...in this lonely room. Thinking.

What makes me special.....being insane or trying being a saint, ah!! just a pencil sketch line makes the difference between the two. I am in the center of this tug of war, between love, life, and escaping.Thousands of wonders left to do, and thinking HOW ? makes life miserable more than now.

Im walking on coast of my griefs watching them dance beside me, celebrate with other splashes, and i lie in a corner waiting to realise that this ocean of griefs might flood me away.If i had a garden i would bury my memories there and wait for a sunny flower to rise in autumn and see the outcome of these unforgettable debts....so called memories.....they say "Memories are designed to fade.." how kiddish they are........ha ha ha..

god does not play chess

Its a lonely morning but fresh, i am in search of freedom but it seems that it's too tough searching for such a thing. I am free now but still there is something that makes me feel that a tiny thing lacks, which becomes a hurdle in attaining peace of freedom.

Im watching those lanes of long and healthy trees .... they stopped me instanly i did't wanted too, i can still re-call that day when i had wept on that place where that tree now stands, it's definately in my tears that made it huge and strong, i wish i could bathe in my own tears.

Those fresh breezes are nourishing, i wonder sometimes that i love too many things at the same time, those roses which i steal from neighbours orchard, that cold glass of water after a walk, hearing "about a girl" after getting tired... and those mountains which i hated when i used to study and definately Shirley....who tops the list of my lovable things. Love differs in my list, when i love rose don't love any other flower the same rule is applied to all.

Thinking all this i sit on a boat to refresh my body and start off for taking a round around.

Lovely water .... which shines so brightly, clear enough for making me realise that i'am still handsome.....hey not still ...[I AM]...

I shall not just call it something, shirley is an important factor of my life, she's with me dancing over some deadly reason, and definately i am with her due to a colorful reason.

Like a flash it swaps me, i still remembers that day when shirley confessed that she's in love with my eyes. I told her that loving a chocolate and loving dairy milk is one of the same thing, but she said "Don't even take me for granted" And truth-fully i never did, but i read some papers revealing about how much shirley wants to dive and sink in my green eyes.What passion holds her and wat mystery swirls inside .. who knows ??

life between night and morn

With all this my work was almost over i had spent almost 1 whole month recalling all old memories and penning them down in my red diary....but i am still haunted by that thundering night of 15 november 1992.

"NO.. i shall not think it again" and while i decided not to .. the whole movie is played out and my eyes are stuck on those gentle hands of that lady ... "yes Neo" i screamed to myself "this is the story that you escaped ..it needs its space in your red diary". And then i drowning in anger and anxiety, went into my study and penned down the tragic story of my family.

It happened 12 yrs ago when i was only 17, my city was as calm as sparrow's nest,yet there was something in the mind of a young father.There was a chaos in my house always because of my existence, still i could never understand why it's me .. who makes his mom and dad fight.

But this terrible and thundering night something was not okay.There was lightning sparkling and revealing its anger. Sky was empty yet full of water, in among that water there was 'Power'.

I was late as usual and as i wiped myself , i could already hear some quarelling inside, as i went inside to investigate and if possible negotiate... my father yelled at me, and asked me to leave the room immediately, i followed his command with no regrets.

But slowly and stedily the fight grew and i heard a loud shot of gun in my house....i as an insane ran towards them, and found that my father had shot my mother in her stomach, before i could squeek a work he attempted to murder me too. As i tried to escape from the bullet which was to be shot at me.... i heard another shot and decided that i had been shot and that my life has finally finished. But i was not hurt ,no wound over my body ... yes !! it was my mom who shot my father somehow after managing the struggle to pull the trigger. I lay there watching 2 dead bodies one over another with my naked eyes.

I remember that when i asked shirley, about why she loves my eyes ? She instantly answered

"Not because they'r beautiful or there is some magic within them, but because it has seen great truths of life.Captured them within themselves and whenever a loved one would watch them... all things will be explained themselves. And the bearer would find his/her existence melting away somewhere within these eyes,& there is sudden sense of sparkling within them as if stars dancing at one order, what a delightful experience it gives"

I relaxed and emphasised that," You might be seeing sparkling in my eyes dear... but if u cut down my heart you'll find no star within them, never wish to have stars dancing around you, as when they come to us, they change into fire and then they make us dance intead of the other way round"

I could hardly understand what she spoke but i knew that "every action has equal and opposite reaction"...a basic truth of life.

eyes !! no more

Now my life has started ...... its been enough of memories and too much of thinking, its winter time again, lying down at fireplace and hearing light musik WOW !! .

My company has asked me to go for an educational tour..and this time on star cruise...

and yes..its going to be ....la Bamba... fun with work ..

I left my city early october morning. Reacher the place from where the star cruise is to take off.

Days were passing now like moments full of fun, travelling and meeting good people and all time partying. Its just shirley that i misssed so much.

It was morn of 15 oct..2003 when a slow bang was heard while people slept, there was a chaos. On confirming it was known that on the lower deck of ship, there is a hole and we needed electric current to make the metal fix again, or else water will keep leking and ... EVERYONE would die.

I finally learned that the water was already leaking and bringing elecric current would explode the whole deck ... thus there was only one thing that could help us...Eel fish.

But the question arrived about where to find one Eel fish...as the announcement was made one of the petty travellers had Eel with him, .... already depression and tension had covered the cruise with its ahadow. The traveller threw Eel from top towards lower deck and as it was in air, my foot slipped and the fish's tail gave a slight touch to my eyes and then......it was light all around me felt as if falling into an unending abyss, and then i realised that i was loosing energy within me... still trying to concentrate on my awakefulness, but in vain. I slowly closed my eyes recalling the face of Shirley which died as i lost the last ounce of energy within me.

hit the clock !! time will stop

Councsiousness ... slapped me and shuffling to myself i woke up .. found that not a single light was on... it was dark all around, fear walked through me and i realised that something was't okay.

Than i heard shirley's voice..

I realised that she was crying softly... i questioned shirley. "Do you know what lyies between Love and Hatred"... shirley cried more bitterly on this and fled. Neo has things clear in front of him, he was Blind now. As shirley ran away Neo answered himself "It's you shirley , who lyes in the abyss of Love and Hatred"

Doctor told me its morning of 18th Oct.. and i thought to myself that my life has come under the shadow of night, darkness is inferior to light yet inside me there were years of darkness and not even a single ray of light seemed to enter. "Why nobody belongs to nobody in this world, why sun hides himself when he needs to swim..Alas!! no-one has answers, lying in a well of water one learns to swim, ocean of darkness gives one no time to swim it swallows , if its too late.

I recalled about my life so simple and clear just a few day ago, those cherishing walks, full of love and life. That red diary and shirley. My eyes do open they'r green as before, but there is stillness in them, beauty is't lost and life is over. ahh!!

"Only you belong to you" . . . . . . life has stopped.

On 18th evening shirley visited me with few chocolates, gazed into my eyes, they were beautiful as ever she told me, but "they cannoit see truth now" she depressively exclaimed. Life is to follow A B C.. ability over breaks with courage. I cried within me, tears were too embarresed to flow out. But before i could say anything she kissed my forehead and left touching my face.

Felt as if my body got relaxed ... to the zenith 1st time in my life.

Doctors adviced me to visit California, on suzane street, his friend dr. Alexander, is ready for Neo, my doctor had already explained things to him, its just that i had to begin with a step to leave.

Shirley was out of her sences as she heard that i am being cured, she came to me with flowers and was constantly speaking about that " Again you'll be able to see truth Neo.. relax, feel, easy its just night, day is awaited, sun has to shine and day will break out with nourishing rays of light of hope"

That's wat shirley i stammered," This rule which lyes in core of every damn cell of your's is harmful, this reproduction of a sense called hope within those cells makes bondage for victory, these cells grow very fast and their spouse will contain the same core that is within their elders, enlightment will never occur on hope, it needs work , hard work , energy , concentration .. alas !!! some people rely on hope of destiny.

guilty

I left for california on 28th oct. and had great wishes with me, hopes were flying high, i felt like wearing some wings and fly high towards the endless sky, to meet the clouds and converse with the deep blue sky.

Already 2 hours had passed, we were still flying my Dr. was accompanying me, then i heard a strange jerk as i was reclined to my seat. Heaven Help !! i think he's too angry with me, all my hopes broke to pieces, i crashed my bottle of life and decided to hope no more.

Who are you and me to stop wats supposed to happen. I could easily hear the chaos in plane, still i kept myself to my chair n ate my burger, its was now useless to even think about surviving.

messiah

3 Weeks Later...

hahah haha hahah .... everything remained within me, all those promises, my religion so called Love, human is just a mere dot ... cannot change anything, sky and earth cannot meet at any cost, but but but..... Horizon reveals that there's nothing that you think is impossible....

i am inside my grave...

I CAN SEE EVRYTHING..................

She slammed the red diary away and stared at my grave, then slowly a tear rolled down and passing through her cheeks it dropped putting off a candle on my grave, and then sky roared as if felt defeated, because the candle did't go off by natural pressures, but by a tear of shirley.

Shirley wept on my grave cleaned the marvel surface which was covered with roses and kissed it ... she collected the diary which contained an untoled legend of a love which never rose, and always remained beneath the tide. Then her breaths somewhat sounded like,"I had always loved you"...........she rose and moved out of the graveyard, then an echo of her breath was heard with a different subject.

She was still crying........

She turned to remove her misconception of the echo......there was nobody except a silent grave covered with roses.

She turned.....moved out and wept like hell.

finish,

Ramiz ilham.