LIFE

"Retired Messiah"

a rehabilitation of "ilham's" recovery,

a journey through soul.

heart beam

Sky is too vast to wonder why? And too deep to sink. I can see those sparkling explosion with countless dots of fire, they seem to go high and wide as if would cover the sky, but how foolish they are !! They are delightful sparks of crackers. I admire them and effortlessly walk down in my study. I am trying to concentrate but cannot. There is something that holds me, a thought or a memory.But presently in my daily life there are things happening un-wantedly,so many things so less time and yet they say,"Life is to enjoy.....be as merry as you can". I slap my concentration and yell ......... "HOW"

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Forget it........

When i sleep a chocolate flavoured nightmare appears infront of my eyes, a beautiful structure of a sweet girl, i know her,if i did't my SELF is't that caring who would give me an illususive pleasure full of life. Atleast.

It's dark, sounds can still be heard, above. Im in my study wondering about why i am suddenly so blessed by destiny.

Eyes closed and mind wide open i think about her, yes she's shirley.Who comes in my dreams, of course its a chronic desease,but then how blessed i am to have such a thing.I definately love her, but there's something that stops me to reveal, i shout out loud "I love you shirley" but only when im just the existence in vast solitude, or while i listen to 'lake of fire' i scream to satisfy that burden within me, as unable to reveal.

It's a problem, but what am i supposed to do to cure it.There's no possible solution out, and in addition i am too shy to even discuss this desease to my dear ones.

She's like an addiction which helps me breath, a tonic whick makes me going, a splash of water that makes me wake up when i'm too sleepy. She's a real genie?

These action-less thoughts are for selfish humour, a self indiction of love, a roller coaster on a barren land of pits.Will this help me achieve? Wonder wonder wonder....

Dreams, hallucinations, and visonary illusion is just a train accident. But what is true - this excuisite satisfying unreal dream or a real train accident-- but in roots both UNREAL.

Wow !! she has helped me breath, an inch more than existing ..she's tought me to live..but how foolish i am.....who does't even let her know her credits. Ere days of my life were ruined for the quest of knowing Live, until the day i read "We the living".

Life can be felt by living in gold but there are those who feel it in each breath, its just a feeling and without these breaths it would be nothing else except a new feeling......and it remains just a feeling till eternity.

In this boxing ring of thoughts tonight, on my table, while i thought these punching skills i felt something unusually strange, like the first ray of sun fell on me and filled me with radiance, while dreaming this i felt as if nothing save me existed around me, and suddenly with a jerk i saw that i am standing no-where [nothing above and below nothing around] it was all me and all me.And i felt as if.............

NO i cannot be enlightened thinking about love and shirley, presently i hear my own voice rhythming with the knocks on the door

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knock knock knock...

Oh my god!! there is really somebody knocking on the door.

"Come in" i shouted.

"Where were you lost..damn-ed" ..... seemed a beautiful whisper of delightful attractive female voice....even though i knew it was a YELL.

..bringing words to a sentence i fumbled "Ah !! i was just too involved with my thoughts so could't hear you'r knocking"

"Well listen" she exclaimed "I need a book, that is the sole reason why i came here, will you help me?"

"Definately shirley" after all what are good peole for"of course HELP !! only damn help" after a gentle smile with a pause.

"keep this book "It's a collection of anonymous Poems..named 'Sifar'."

She looked indecsently into me as if knew what was in my mind then with self conclusion she murmurred something and moved to leave, her words were't audiblbe enough but i knew it was a song ..."hide" by creed.

I watched her go and saw life move away, as if a broken kite flyes no-where.It passes with no wish , no luck ,no destiny just moves and moves.

My love is not for vain, i am struggling to make a diamond out of a coal piece, no matter if it takes ages.

She left........and was out of the sight now.

i ordered myself, " Hault ! Love ! Hault! ... your making me insane "

waterloo of thoughts

Complete solitude, almost an isolation feeling, it's dark and silence at this stage seems noisy.It feels like as if i am born again, i feel energy within me unending talks within hovering inside seeking a hole to escape.Thousands of poems stuck somewhere.....why? It's been a week i am trying to hide from myself, enough of playing and mating in this chess game where i play the opponent along with me. Opponent is always the enemy in every game, but here victory is mine even if my enemy wins.

Some fossil that makes my fuel to live is leaving me to cry killing me with thirst. This moon which shines each day pretending being an alternate for sun, seems dull in this wide lonely night,breath as vapour blowing towards moon's vision infront me, seems more dull than before, what insights me to think about the unheard unknown unseen.

Life.............just another thing, a matter an object, sometimes why thought provoking ideas make me insane, they don't make one famous everytime. Nostalgic blurred visions remain forever even when you know that false satisfaction which one is blessed may help him never.

[I remember my friend's grand dad die infront of him, i was very much there, but then what... he will still think about how he's going to manage the money for gasoline in his motor bike the very next day.]

We fail....in every exam it's an average human who fails, now i realise how easily people convert, when pathos is given when most needed, the very best humans do fall into the trap, that's where conversion takes birth. Relation..now what do i say about this, religiously one needs to be away from special breeds of humans knowing that you's one of them.Going away being very much where you are is the way out.

[I'm not forced to give all answers]

Love; i don't know myself wheather i believe in this feeling, but if something helps there's no harm adopting and acting upon, shirley is just a mere caravan of thoughts where they lead to no-where, starve, help, try living, and slowly slowly they end, the remaining find something better than moving along the journey. starving and helping is love. Shirley is one of those journeymen, rather more philanthropist. Love love love... sounds beautiful cherishing nourishing splashing.

Remembring those cherry moments where sometime i believe she's in each breath of mine and sometimes i yell at myself that i've let someone become my deep core, knowing that she knows not even a fraction of this tempest which has risen whithin me.

A little ounce of nostalgia...and with a flash i am where i was...in this lonely room. Thinking.

What makes me special.....being insane or trying being a saint, ah!! just a pencil sketch line makes the difference between the two. I am in the center of this tug of war, between love, life, and escaping.Thousands of wonders left to do, and thinking HOW ? makes life miserable more than now.

Im walking on coast of my griefs watching them dance beside me, celebrate with other splashes, and i lie in a corner waiting to realise that this ocean of griefs might flood me away.If i had a garden i would bury my memories there and wait for a sunny flower to rise in autumn and see the outcome of these unforgettable debts....so called memories.....they say "Memories are designed to fade.." how kiddish they are........ha ha ha..

god does not play chess

Its a lonely morning but fresh, i am in search of freedom but it seems that it's too tough searching for such a thing. I am free now but still there is something that makes me feel that a tiny thing lacks, which becomes a hurdle in attaining peace of freedom.

Im watching those lanes of long and healthy trees .... they stopped me instanly i did't wanted too, i can still re-call that day when i had wept on that place where that tree now stands, it's definately in my tears that made it huge and strong, i wish i could bathe in my own tears.

Those fresh breezes are nourishing, i wonder sometimes that i love too many things at the same time, those roses which i steal from neighbours orchard, that cold glass of water after a walk, hearing "about a girl" after getting tired... and those mountains which i hated when i used to study and definately Shirley....who tops the list of my lovable things. Love differs in my list, when i love rose don't love any other flower the same rule is applied to all.

Thinking all this i sit on a boat to refresh my body and start off for taking a round around.

Lovely water .... which shines so brightly, clear enough for making me realise that i'am still handsome.....hey not still ...[I AM]...

I shall not just call it something, shirley is an important factor of my life, she's with me dancing over some deadly reason, and definately i am with her due to a colorful reason.

Like a flash it swaps me, i still remembers that day when shirley confessed that she's in love with my eyes. I told her that loving a chocolate and loving dairy milk is one of the same thing, but she said "Don't even take me for granted" And truth-fully i never did, but i read some papers revealing about how much shirley wants to dive and sink in my green eyes.What passion holds her and wat mystery swirls inside .. who knows ??

life between night and morn

With all this my work was almost over i had spent almost 1 whole month recalling all old memories and penning them down in my red diary....but i am still haunted by that thundering night of 15 november 1992.

"NO.. i shall not think it again" and while i decided not to .. the whole movie is played out and my eyes are stuck on those gentle hands of that lady ... "yes Neo" i screamed to myself "this is the story that you escaped ..it needs its space in your red diary". And then i drowning in anger and anxiety, went into my study and penned down the tragic story of my family.

It happened 12 yrs ago when i was only 17, my city was as calm as sparrow's nest,yet there was something in the mind of a young father.There was a chaos in my house always because of my existence, still i could never understand why it's me .. who makes his mom and dad fight.

But this terrible and thundering night something was not okay.There was lightning sparkling and revealing its anger. Sky was empty yet full of water, in among that water there was 'Power'.

I was late as usual and as i wiped myself , i could already hear some quarelling inside, as i went inside to investigate and if possible negotiate... my father yelled at me, and asked me to leave the room immediately, i followed his command with no regrets.

But slowly and stedily the fight grew and i heard a loud shot of gun in my house....i as an insane ran towards them, and found that my father had shot my mother in her stomach, before i could squeek a work he attempted to murder me too. As i tried to escape from the bullet which was to be shot at me.... i heard another shot and decided that i had been shot and that my life has finally finished. But i was not hurt ,no wound over my body ... yes !! it was my mom who shot my father somehow after managing the struggle to pull the trigger. I lay there watching 2 dead bodies one over another with my naked eyes.

I remember that when i asked shirley, about why she loves my eyes ? She instantly answered

"Not because they'r beautiful or there is some magic within them, but because it has seen great truths of life.Captured them within themselves and whenever a loved one would watch them... all things will be explained themselves. And the bearer would find his/her existence melting away somewhere within these eyes,& there is sudden sense of sparkling within them as if stars dancing at one order, what a delightful experience it gives"

I relaxed and emphasised that," You might be seeing sparkling in my eyes dear... but if u cut down my heart you'll find no star within them, never wish to have stars dancing around you, as when they come to us, they change into fire and then they make us dance intead of the other way round"

I could hardly understand what she spoke but i knew that "every action has equal and opposite reaction"...a basic truth of life.

eyes !! no more

Now my life has started ...... its been enough of memories and too much of thinking, its winter time again, lying down at fireplace and hearing light musik WOW !! .

My company has asked me to go for an educational tour..and this time on star cruise...

and yes..its going to be ....la Bamba... fun with work ..

I left my city early october morning. Reacher the place from where the star cruise is to take off.

Days were passing now like moments full of fun, travelling and meeting good people and all time partying. Its just shirley that i misssed so much.

It was morn of 15 oct..2003 when a slow bang was heard while people slept, there was a chaos. On confirming it was known that on the lower deck of ship, there is a hole and we needed electric current to make the metal fix again, or else water will keep leking and ... EVERYONE would die.

I finally learned that the water was already leaking and bringing elecric current would explode the whole deck ... thus there was only one thing that could help us...Eel fish.

But the question arrived about where to find one Eel fish...as the announcement was made one of the petty travellers had Eel with him, .... already depression and tension had covered the cruise with its ahadow. The traveller threw Eel from top towards lower deck and as it was in air, my foot slipped and the fish's tail gave a slight touch to my eyes and then......it was light all around me felt as if falling into an unending abyss, and then i realised that i was loosing energy within me... still trying to concentrate on my awakefulness, but in vain. I slowly closed my eyes recalling the face of Shirley which died as i lost the last ounce of energy within me.

hit the clock !! time will stop

Councsiousness ... slapped me and shuffling to myself i woke up .. found that not a single light was on... it was dark all around, fear walked through me and i realised that something was't okay.

Than i heard shirley's voice..

I realised that she was crying softly... i questioned shirley. "Do you know what lyies between Love and Hatred"... shirley cried more bitterly on this and fled. Neo has things clear in front of him, he was Blind now. As shirley ran away Neo answered himself "It's you shirley , who lyes in the abyss of Love and Hatred"

Doctor told me its morning of 18th Oct.. and i thought to myself that my life has come under the shadow of night, darkness is inferior to light yet inside me there were years of darkness and not even a single ray of light seemed to enter. "Why nobody belongs to nobody in this world, why sun hides himself when he needs to swim..Alas!! no-one has answers, lying in a well of water one learns to swim, ocean of darkness gives one no time to swim it swallows , if its too late.

I recalled about my life so simple and clear just a few day ago, those cherishing walks, full of love and life. That red diary and shirley. My eyes do open they'r green as before, but there is stillness in them, beauty is't lost and life is over. ahh!!

"Only you belong to you" . . . . . . life has stopped.

On 18th evening shirley visited me with few chocolates, gazed into my eyes, they were beautiful as ever she told me, but "they cannoit see truth now" she depressively exclaimed. Life is to follow A B C.. ability over breaks with courage. I cried within me, tears were too embarresed to flow out. But before i could say anything she kissed my forehead and left touching my face.

Felt as if my body got relaxed ... to the zenith 1st time in my life.

Doctors adviced me to visit California, on suzane street, his friend dr. Alexander, is ready for Neo, my doctor had already explained things to him, its just that i had to begin with a step to leave.

Shirley was out of her sences as she heard that i am being cured, she came to me with flowers and was constantly speaking about that " Again you'll be able to see truth Neo.. relax, feel, easy its just night, day is awaited, sun has to shine and day will break out with nourishing rays of light of hope"

That's wat shirley i stammered," This rule which lyes in core of every damn cell of your's is harmful, this reproduction of a sense called hope within those cells makes bondage for victory, these cells grow very fast and their spouse will contain the same core that is within their elders, enlightment will never occur on hope, it needs work , hard work , energy , concentration .. alas !!! some people rely on hope of destiny.

guilty

I left for california on 28th oct. and had great wishes with me, hopes were flying high, i felt like wearing some wings and fly high towards the endless sky, to meet the clouds and converse with the deep blue sky.

Already 2 hours had passed, we were still flying my Dr. was accompanying me, then i heard a strange jerk as i was reclined to my seat. Heaven Help !! i think he's too angry with me, all my hopes broke to pieces, i crashed my bottle of life and decided to hope no more.

Who are you and me to stop wats supposed to happen. I could easily hear the chaos in plane, still i kept myself to my chair n ate my burger, its was now useless to even think about surviving.

messiah

3 Weeks Later...

hahah haha hahah .... everything remained within me, all those promises, my religion so called Love, human is just a mere dot ... cannot change anything, sky and earth cannot meet at any cost, but but but..... Horizon reveals that there's nothing that you think is impossible....

i am inside my grave...

I CAN SEE EVRYTHING..................

She slammed the red diary away and stared at my grave, then slowly a tear rolled down and passing through her cheeks it dropped putting off a candle on my grave, and then sky roared as if felt defeated, because the candle did't go off by natural pressures, but by a tear of shirley.

Shirley wept on my grave cleaned the marvel surface which was covered with roses and kissed it ... she collected the diary which contained an untoled legend of a love which never rose, and always remained beneath the tide. Then her breaths somewhat sounded like,"I had always loved you"...........she rose and moved out of the graveyard, then an echo of her breath was heard with a different subject.

She was still crying........

She turned to remove her misconception of the echo......there was nobody except a silent grave covered with roses.

She turned.....moved out and wept like hell.

finish,

Ramiz ilham.